Saturday, December 27, 2008

the monk of budddha....sun flower field and hunger of skin

Life ....in all its celebrating self.....calls me ....into
the sun flower field...... where i become the saffron robe...........of the monk...
im all in shambles... till the gentle hands of the monk...adjusts me... corrects me..
or
i think so...

and....then u call me.......
im hungry...... i feel it... in my skin.....like the life

life ...hidden in the tears of the petals....that look to the sun ....as though
its not the warmth ...that they miss...its the desire ... i need to be burnt... so i gaze
as the sun moves........till he sets...his foot......
on the same sand .... of time.... where we fought like kids..... and made love....

where i stood still and so was time..........

i dont need things anymore..........i burn in their desire.........i dont yearn for them.......if u see my eyes.......
they are red.......
flushed...
and hot........

Monday, December 08, 2008

O'bebe

My love .......
do i need to tell u ............I love you ...
Do i need to tell u that I live only for u......

No.... i wont ..... i cant ...for I love u....
ur eyes ..... seek me... amongst the milion strange lights ... million moments ...m
and the million lives u live ........ not knowin that u live only for me and love me

like the aroma of the fresh coffee bean ......my soul is freed as the tongues of fire engulf it
desire they say ...... is fire ...... in me its grown into a tree....

in ur dreams that tree seems like a flower... like a seed that has broken the promise
to the earth .....
oh my babe u know ..... now ... that I m no honest bloke.....but my love ...
its u who drove me crazy......
its you ..who is the life all around to me..

my love .... do i need to tell u that i love you

yes i do .........

O'bebe .........

Monday, November 24, 2008

If I were a girl.........freedom and trauma.

Some times I wonder.....
why I need people .........why I need to speak......and why I ever write .......
I know ....that I connect..........but faster .....I  disconnect.....
Is.. to know .. good enough? 
The world is unfair...
It thrives  on.. my ignorance ...
The choice I make ... is to let it be ...


Which is more traumatic...............my love........to be separated from you ? 
or to have fallen in love with u?.........
I wish I was a statue...........just listening to what one says.........
and not saying any thing.......and when i say
.............it would be a miracle....!!!!.....


Which is more traumatic?..........
my beloved petal  , an orchid in bloom ....the smile of a child .....
To become old......?.... or 
to become ..........younger by heart.......?.
for with  one   life winds around your  neck and stifles you  to rigor........and ....
the other liberates you  with .........oxygen...enough to make the same life.
I am a lesser.......mortal.


Which is more traumatic ..........To loose my innocence  ..........
a mortal frame....of flesh and bones .......and desires
 ........or to regain it ....in its entirety .....
..a life......a love......a desire......or........
........the freedom ....
I am a bird  in  my heart......
in moments of solitude.......... 
When i think.....
only
of you.........


My Maula.......if we ever meet........I promise you 
 that ill never look at you .......
never exhale the breath that says ....I know you ......
never let you  know that ill shed ....
that..... one tiny drop of tear......
You will probably smell the aroma of the tea leaves......
and look around.....at all the shops ......


and may be 


just when you're busy 
Passing off.........words of heart.......written from holding ones breath....
unconscious of the hearts beat.......
or of the world ....as ....a work of art..
I will say 

I don't know many things .........one of them is my freedom 
........and another is my trauma.
Some times freedom is traumatic and trauma makes you  free............

or 


I ll  simply become........
a wave .......a petal........a child.........
and few grains of damp ....earth .







Thursday, November 13, 2008

Maula...............when u get angry( if i were a girl)

Maula.................anger....your anger...is
in my eyes.....and...... burns my self....
and ur silence is worse..........i just loose my ...self.......in it..


how would it be .......if i hug u ...just when ....u are mad ....
i would come near when u push me.....just .......that far....
I would hold u ............sooooo .....near to my moist heart ......that..u just feel wet
in ur eyes..and i know .......u wont like like it .....



would it be not nice ....if i rip ur shirt off.......and bite ur lips....... soft
u feel.......soft as a leaf.. that has a free fall.........gentle as a whirl wind....
in ur heart that's like molten earth..........the kiss.......leaves a tatoo.....


do u know when u are angry........u're actually acting ....showing off....and look like a great panda from China..........who is about to deliver......twins!! and......like a gorgeous.....hippo about to let out a yawn...........and .....some thing is stuck at its throat !!
its a make believe .......as some say...that shoots of bamboo.......are disappearing ....getting extinct from the face of earth..................and all that crap....


No... don't close ur eyes.......open them .....my... charmer...... of the snake in me....
look at me, look into my eyes .....and feel my breath.........and breath it ....
You breathe me ............and me alone ......


But i like ur anger....its like .....rock and roll.......
...........and u mistake that u are the rock and i am the roll
have u ever wondered .that its could be...
the other way around....


yes ........u......do and
no u dont....


Maula........oh....maula.......


if i were to be asked in a live interveiw, what do i love about u,
I would turn around the chair and resting my arms on the backrest....
I would ask
"to begin with?"......and then say
................................."every thing "

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Maula...............lets make tea ( if i were a girl)

Mere maula....Now
U have to speak....... your words.......

U have to tell about your life ......... in your own way


When I ask u.............I mean u.......your thoughts your feelings .......
but then what can represent the sea better?........... when I asked the sea......
The sea .......pointed its fingers at you and ........disappeared.


But then I am in a way relieved..........


Some where ....... Sometime .......... I ll meet you .
I will carry leaves of tea.............and you ........water..
Let there be fire...........let there be celebration
and then let us hold hands........and walk a few steps on the sands of time .........till
the night ends
till the sun ........... comes over the horizon ........and stretches its limbs.....


I see u ........when u sleep........ like a child .... in my arms......and i too shall close my eyes .......no i dont want ....even to wink my eye lid....and I will feel u.......to the core ....touching ur soul ..and making it alive....and fresh and earthy.


and in the morning ......we shall drink the tea.......made sweet by the rays of moon and .....cold by the separation about to come.....


but ...... who drinks such tea........ has no death ...... no rebirth....and........no...... there IS no seperation....


Mere Maula............ don't u know what lies in my heart?......don't u realize the harm of your silence.
Speak to me..........your words........
Tell me about ...........me....and about you....
then
I too will tell u..........and pour
All my anguish........all my love .......all my passion......and I will melt u....then and there.....and freeze the time ......so the moon remains the moon ....... and the sand ...remains the sand.....and the waves remain there .... watching us..in embrace..


with arms wide open.........

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

oh ........OBAMA !!!

INDIA.......wake up and elect my first dalit prime minister.

ITS TIME.............

INDIA.............grow up....from denial........to acceptance...
INDIA...........move .......from....exclusion to inclusion.....

Saturday, October 18, 2008

ode to MFO

This office and the people working here gave me a space...for me to breath...fill my bosom with ideas...and gave me opportunities ...to learn how to transform these ideas into action.It rekindled my belief in working with the System......and reaffirmed the dynamic centricity of my ideological position.While the discussions at the office widened my understanding of policies ....field visits kept away my heart from drying up. In the process of understanding the context of our functioning ...I asked questions....some time too many...... and the team welcomed them with open arms and answered them .When found deficiant....my capacity was built...in a way ...so delicate and so unassuming...that many times I wonder where I was.. I was here.........in such safe hands. and then ....this office completely opened opened up my childhood to me. For the first time......I came into terms with experiances, intense and personal........ranging from Stigma Discrimination and Denial faced by People living with HIV AIDS ...to.....CSA....And in the process of working ,discussing, arguing and making friends ....I negotiated them all and opened my self for the next big step of sublimating these very disturbances and transforming them into programmatic successes. ........chiiiiii chooo chooon..

Friday, October 03, 2008

banjara hills

Tired minds.....ripples... in a lake
waves of the unending sea......new job....new places ....
new people.....new curves....and hills....
from malabar
to............ banjara
.....me and mine .....travel...the day....and the night
people with fabulous hearts....
warmest hugs...
cute smiles....
touch .....firm and handshakes whispering
will i miss my cute lil creepers ......at the rail road
the silent local......
will it never pick me up....
will i miss the potbelly first class people....
their i pods....mobiles....and news papers..
i dont now...i dont want to know..
like the generational minds.....their understanding of relationships....
the young ...beautifull minds...
clear.....dogmatic...passionate...and confused...and ruthless.....
I stand alone....walk alone......cry alone...make love alone....
and deny my lonelyness
only in these lines.......i surrender ...to the sublime...
to the silence.....and ...feel
that sombody ...some where...is
worth
a cup of Chai!!!!!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Foolosopher in a training session

HRG......HRI............FSW............MSW............
So much of localization of lives.........life has become one target for intervention ....isnt it?

I like young men and women ....eager....holding breath as the oration continues.........
They want to be seen ...known......hugged......embraced ...loved.....and its seen
in their eyes....brown....black ....and confused...but beautiful........and what beauty?
i cant tell you........or I can ...............gosh I'm so confused..........
but I'm sure ...like my smile .....
that i wont back space....and each felt word is given here ...
As how it is to be given..............

and then there are these young one .....and their lives and our lies.....
its like a cock tail and dream..........
like coughlin's ...laws..
like the rains that come as spasms ,,,,,of laughter.... of cries ......
like the grass...that looks as though ....it hates a lawn mover....
like droplet of newborn dew..............in time and space unknown...
I don't understand all of it ......and all of it need not be understood ....AT ALL.
and there fore stars fore tell my confusion....and
Zoya .........stamps on it and says
Oh yes ....he loves the young ones...
the young ones love him ....
and love is life ....
and life is a sweet confusion........a sweet little lie.....
.
isnt it...?
.
.
it better be ....!!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

fire wall

What is that....that creates a fire wall
but ignorance of the free spirit ...that ...is un manifest and bound.
When the logs of wood ....floating in water meet....they say
Hi......and then smile.......thats all .....nothing more .
It takes appachhan to bring two logs together to make a raft.

How thing s have come to ...... in what way...................life turns around and meets ..
You ....................
from the same place you started...........nothing appears changed but every thing is changed.
You wish .........you have never left the place
in the first place.........

How should i tell you ....what you are to me I ve thought all along.............and now I wonder
Why should I tell you ....at all ..!!!

I know there is no reason for me to wander....and then....there is every reason for me to explore....till I see butterflies ,sparrows and pigeons ...around....
but when there are fire walls......every where....
Lines ...drawn ....in ....thick ...... maroon ink .......i cant run.......i cant walk...
I cant stay........i cant speak........i cant emote...... i cant feel.....

and then i cant breath........................
that,s when people walk out ...............and friends................... don't come in ....

but i dont crib...... about being an explorer.......about being emotive ...about telling people what i feel about the colours of rainbow..........about loving them .....as individuals.....as men ...as women...as animals ...about missing their talks.........their smiles ..............their gentle curves....
and their hatred.......

thats why .....i feel the tears in my eyes....a heaviness in my chest ......when an un known mother beats up her child ......and the child begins to cry..
Thats why i feel every drop of rain ....as though its sent by the gods above ....just for me...
and

Fire walls....!!!! makes people feel they are worth less creatures .....good for nothing ... a virus .....an unwanted malicious soft ware ...thats gonna eat u up...!!!! worse ...............corrupt your operating system.!!!....

I feel that in this short life ............we spend more time building fire walls .......
i feel i need to hear your voice ......
i need to talk ...............
and i need to fight .......
quarrel like small children over the sand castles ......the princess and the prince ... in those fabulous buildings.....

and then.............laugh ...jump.....giggle ..... fill our pockets full of fist full of moist sand.......
for thats all im gonna have ....over me ..... when im gone...

but then when i go up above......I shal be seen as THE strongest and richest guy who ever entered heaven....for he had broken more fire walls while building none...and who had the most pleasant memories ......of a child ......All of them in fact
In tact...
in the nest .........
safe............... . and between the cupped palms of a child's hand














Thursday, June 12, 2008

maaya

When u sleep..........
My world... stands...still...and motion less like the leaves
my mind seizes to think....and begins to feel...and to dream.
I sit beside u and watch u.....
I hold your hands...no...just gently touch them....
it feels warm.
the warmth of your existence...touches me...
my core..........
and permeates......all that is mine....
including the nothingness.....vast...dynamic.......expansive........I know...that I 'm late...
but I am happy that I am here...
just beside you....
my "Zoyaban"

Sunday, June 08, 2008

the beauty of not knowing...........Zo

Kurasawa's throne of blood was good.intense.The use of light and shade is phenomenal.What I like in his movies is the interplay of silence with spoken word and emotions on the faces.I feel silense in the movies offer the viewer a space .A mental space in which he can construct a story .....almost parallel....to whats happening on the screen .A good storyteller always pauses in between ......it gives the child wings to fly and to come back.The space is essential to understand the story..... especially the concepts if they are abstract.Speaking of abstracts ...you know... one of the most sensible questions asked in the last 5years is the question that mangal pandey asks in the movie...he says ...rather asks....."yeh SARKAR hota kya hai?"how many of us in the development sector actually ask this question to ourselves.The whole aspect of government is so clear to us ....like tendulkars cricket.We talk about it so freely ...and comment about it so freely....many of us ... have we touched a leather ball any time ? i dont know.We talk about politicians in the same way...without even contesting a class representative election...never.Not that we need to ..but could we be a lil introspective?the more time i spend in understanding mangal pandey's query,the better i feel i understand the the 'government and the governance'...gosh its so complex.....so tough .....so simple and so easy ....at the same time...some how i feel the same about the phrases"community"......"marginalization"......and "development".May be ill take some time to understand them...

But what is amusing ....is that at each passing moment i feel strongly about these very words that i am confused about.....they don't distress me any more ...to admit....that i don't know ....that i feel....and that i want to know....i just hope that this ......IS...my life...and it WILL remain like that ....be cause its such fun not knowing ......and trying to know.

because it give the life ......so wretched and unbearable....in Bombay........a meaning

because it gives hope...

and its hope ...that leads me ..to Love...

isn't this wonderful?


Zo?

plants... orkids.... nana and the kid

The plants.......my Zoya...breath with their heart and humans through their noses...is that why they bear flowers and we sleep over cots.....Nana patekar's character in a Marathi movie said it now...its a surreal movie.......the chief actor is a child...must see this kids acting its so different.The Marathi accent is fantastic...


Do kids need a mentor...especially kids who have a traumatic childhood....or kids who are ahead of the time....their time and others..........kids are the manifestations of of the longing ...of the love...of the heart that cares.....of the hand that feeds........


Do you remember me...

As i remember my place in the magnificent cave....and the light .....

I remember it .....always....not even a second is lost without feeling the aroma of the freshness of that place....i breath it from my heart .......thats why i can afford the orchids ...................for you


Will you come running to me as the kid runs and hugs " bhootya" ....the key protagonist in the film.................I would.........................................................................if i see you................................................if ever i saw you

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Monsoon memories

It has been nearly two and a half years.I see the calmness in the pigeon's eyes as if she is still there....Some times i get confused .was it calmness ,was it fear....was it nothing at all...But some events and the actors who enact it are simply unforgettable.may be the circumstances in which its enacted is such...powerful.....simple....relevant...
TISS has lot of activity in the bushes,sometimes its the students but most of the creepers that hug them makes the campus heavenly...especially during rains.Its raining now and and i can imagine the transformation in the campus.Though TISS says goodbye to its students every year ,,,many like me can never say it.....or ..would ever say it...some thing like aatmasat has happened to us in this campus.
As i walked down the road just after the library ...i felt a movement around the gutter on the left side.I am very sensitive to such moments especially after seeing a long snake cruise across the basket ball court.People said that there lived a snake family in TISS.some even said that it was a Cobra.when i looked in closely i couldn't find any thing ......but in a fraction i saw a lone pigeon standing just beside the the stones kept at the border of the gutter. Some thing struck me ..about the pigeon..it appeared she was a kid..just learning to fly... she seemed to searching her way back to the nest.....Nothing appeared amiss .i went a step or two further and turned back to observe her ...now i felt her expression changing ...she seemed to be a bit restless....Suddenly about 10 steps to the side i saw a large cat..assuming the hunters position .in a fraction of a sec the cat had her by the neck...and She was gone . ...abruptly....i can never forget my helplessness...lack of initiative ...and fore thought ...like i felt on that moment....it was a moment of paralysis..

On that very day ....while starting from the dining hall there was this question in my mind ....How would i die? will it cause pain..will it be protracted....I jokingly asked my guru whether he knew about it !!!.....and a few steps after i saw the eternal hunter and the hunted drama being enacted in front of my eyes.......a colossal inner voice appeared from no where and said"you will die the pigeons death......swift....sudden.....and complete....the countdown shall start the day you will begin the journey back to your child hood.and the moment you are a child ...you will die...


What remains with me is a count down....every moment appears precious...and every body i meet appears divine.....I live every moment of my life...as though it was the last moment...the very last drop of wine .....drunk with this new found love for life......i dance in rejoice....and say....Zoya ....you are my childhood .the day i become one with you....i am no longer there....but iwoudnt mind it in any way......

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

remembring debu

my beloved Zo
when i die...
dont cry .....
for i live in ur memories ........
When im gone.....
dont search for me....
for i ll then ...be every where....
inside and out side you.....
When i live ....
all i want is that ....
u fight with me .....
give me a challenge every day...
give me a fight ..that will make my day brighter..
make my eyes swell with tears........for the needy...
make me slog.......and sweat ....for that will make my chai taste sweeter...
hug me ...as though we are for ever one........
and
dont u dare to forget holding my hands ......while crossing the road...
i live....here and now......
in an embrace......
in love

Saturday, May 24, 2008

musings of the SA node

These lines are the manifestations of an internal turmoil......in the way to the heart of my love "Zoya".


You are ..that one drop of rain...that embraces me ..tearing apart .the mask i wore .....feel me ...like u've never felt me before ...and make a man .....out of me ..out of nothing ...actually..... .............


zoya...............when u smile ....a slender....ray of light ...gently enters the tears of separation ...that i shed ...in love ....in silence ....i have no choice but to be resurrected.....as a ..Rainbow

Children un known unseen ... playing hide and seek ..selfish and busy life on the platform..the laughter...the joy....of the children....zoya..u are talking to them...and they whisper in my heart.. pristine tearlets emerge from no where..choke my throat...Andheri 7 pm.yesterday .today and tomorrow


"rootless" men......have no name ......lives they lead ...is like a seed...seperated from their own....they float in a bliss that the cosmos envies......and Zoya loves...here and now..


in waiting for you zoya i move from thinking to feeling .....talking to silence.....and a certain death...to...life ...waiting is .....in fact ...unmasking the emotions ...of my defiant spirit .in love

When we meet Zoya....let us hold hands ..and feel the future in our palms....let us walk a mile ...on a road that has no mile posts....and let us talk...for a while.......the world can wait..in the same silence ...that i do ...holding a million orchids ....only for you.


i took the river in my palm...........and gave it back.....the moment of rebirth....is always sacred.....reborn in u Zoya .....i am free.


when u sleep ........in my arms.......i am awake ....alive .....i gently stroke your hair ....and touch ur lips....knowing that im there ...u hug me tightly ...in ur sleep....wish i could peep in to ur warm heart ....and make in it ..a home for myself .... Zoya.

with a full moon gazing at u.....and gentle summer breeze blowing over .......some times even Mumbai sheds anomie and appears less traumatic ....i yearn for u zoya ....less than i yearn...... for a raindance


the enigma.......of being in love with you ..is ..nothing but a fresh drop of dew...on a rose petal thats just born...its like the aroma of dry and lonely earth receiving the drops of first rain........zoya....

the elderly couple who fought bitterly..today...an old woman poked me so badly that my tummy hurts...and two children slept peacefully on their parents laps...a maths professor who solved another equation..the morning begins...in mumbai a bit of cosmos unfolds...


As i went up to the old tamarind tree and embraced it ....and placed my ear on her bosom.........the tree told ...in simple words...i love you......In the unborn twister that my mind was....there was birth of ...Peace ...and Joy .... and.....A story ...that needs to be told..


I dream....of you...of the sea...of the waves...of the sun....of the footprints on the sands.....and live ....dont be afraid of my love Zoya....just fall in it ...and live with me ...for ever and ever...


Some times I wonder .........why do u have to flirt with me ?at all......
I know .............now .........You are in true love...!!!
How does it matter ? if it is me ....or if it's me not....

Mauna...the silence of Zoya

The basis of every Philosophy is an experience. The realm of that experience is physical ,mental…….. Post mental .It must be stated that what comprises of mind? …. Whether mind is Matter? Are debates that have the tendency to remain eternally contemporary. However the sadhaka in pursuit of truth can’t spend much time on them. He has to depend on the EXPERIANCES that come to him during the process of meditation .Shunyata if it is called a void or emptiness then it is only a transitory experience. NOTHING NESS therefore is an illusionary state that the mind experiences….. when the bastion of ego falls .Simply, there is nothing for the mind to hold on . Quite early in a spiritual pursuit, the mind recognizes the WITNESS as a distinct separate entity. Now the rudiments of the erstwhile ego of the sadhaka recognizes that the witness ,which was earlier thought as a small ,tiny INNER VOICE IS ACTUALLY A COLLOSSAL entity .The mind doesn’t give up it tries to understand this entity which is ever expanding . it cant and therefore gives up .As soon as it gives up ,this witness disappears as though it is also a concept. That is the birth of MAUNA. AT this stage the sadhaka does not experience the mouna but can only LIVE it. But this is all encompassing, everything……….. universal

Friday, May 23, 2008

realisation

Realisation is a catastrophic event .The stronger is your Rationale mind set the stronger is the Catastrophe .Ego does not just fall ,It is decimated . Such is the ferocity of this experience that the very existence of the Sadhaka becomes doubtful. The sadhaka even though following a non yogic tradition (yoga meaning raja yoga here) cannot escape the Parallel Processes that occur in the Pranic Realm. Infact the Break through occurs because of Kundalini. Only the Guru has the Key.It is his wish that the Sadhaka breaks the Mind Body Ego Complex .Identities are lost permanently and Mercilessly . and whatever remains is actually noting . But its ok ,for he is the Self now

Monday, February 11, 2008

every birth is divine ....and every death is a mahasamadhi.....how does it make a difference to the self if in its embodied form .....has ...

the beatles as the disciples or............
bugs in the bed ....!
Oh my love .....
u are not there....if u get in here ...u will never be there.....
cry my baby......tears ar always true ..only if u dont feel them.

love ...................decimates every thing ...while constructing and resurrecting the very elements it aims to destroy..........that's ....love

oh my love .....
the condor need not fear ..about flying ...because in the very breath is its liberation ...no body teaches him .....How to fly .he knows......he knows....

where is the Guru ?Who knows ...and Who feels .....for when one knows he feels nothing and is silent.
oh my love ...
the journey is long ...and arduous ...yet short and sweet......it is a journey of not learning what u don't know... ...but one of unlearning..... of what u already know.........loose the craving ...once ....just for once ....and then for ever ...then SHE will hold u'r hand....
jus .....like a child ...