exploration of the various dimensions of ... self..a...journey... unborn and....unnamed.......anaamayoham.......thats me.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
the monk of budddha....sun flower field and hunger of skin
the sun flower field...... where i become the saffron robe...........of the monk...
im all in shambles... till the gentle hands of the monk...adjusts me... corrects me..
or
i think so...
and....then u call me.......
im hungry...... i feel it... in my skin.....like the life
life ...hidden in the tears of the petals....that look to the sun ....as though
its not the warmth ...that they miss...its the desire ... i need to be burnt... so i gaze
as the sun moves........till he sets...his foot......
on the same sand .... of time.... where we fought like kids..... and made love....
where i stood still and so was time..........
i dont need things anymore..........i burn in their desire.........i dont yearn for them.......if u see my eyes.......
they are red.......
flushed...
and hot........
Monday, December 08, 2008
O'bebe
do i need to tell u ............I love you ...
Do i need to tell u that I live only for u......
No.... i wont ..... i cant ...for I love u....
ur eyes ..... seek me... amongst the milion strange lights ... million moments ...m
and the million lives u live ........ not knowin that u live only for me and love me
like the aroma of the fresh coffee bean ......my soul is freed as the tongues of fire engulf it
desire they say ...... is fire ...... in me its grown into a tree....
in ur dreams that tree seems like a flower... like a seed that has broken the promise
to the earth .....
oh my babe u know ..... now ... that I m no honest bloke.....but my love ...
its u who drove me crazy......
its you ..who is the life all around to me..
my love .... do i need to tell u that i love you
yes i do .........
O'bebe .........
Monday, November 24, 2008
If I were a girl.........freedom and trauma.
why I need people .........why I need to speak......and why I ever write .......
I know ....that I connect..........but faster .....I disconnect.....
Is.. to know .. good enough?
The world is unfair...
It thrives on.. my ignorance ...
The choice I make ... is to let it be ...
Which is more traumatic...............my love........to be separated from you ?
or to have fallen in love with u?.........
I wish I was a statue...........just listening to what one says.........
and not saying any thing.......and when i say
.............it would be a miracle....!!!!.....
Which is more traumatic?..........
my beloved petal , an orchid in bloom ....the smile of a child .....
To become old......?.... or
to become ..........younger by heart.......?.
for with one life winds around your neck and stifles you to rigor........and ....
the other liberates you with .........oxygen...enough to make the same life.
I am a lesser.......mortal.
Which is more traumatic ..........To loose my innocence ..........
a mortal frame....of flesh and bones .......and desires
........or to regain it ....in its entirety .....
..a life......a love......a desire......or........
........the freedom ....
I am a bird in my heart......
in moments of solitude..........
When i think.....
only
of you.........
My Maula.......if we ever meet........I promise you
that ill never look at you .......
never exhale the breath that says ....I know you ......
never let you know that ill shed ....
that..... one tiny drop of tear......
You will probably smell the aroma of the tea leaves......
and look around.....at all the shops ......
and may be
just when you're busy
Passing off.........words of heart.......written from holding ones breath....
unconscious of the hearts beat.......
or of the world ....as ....a work of art..
I will say
I don't know many things .........one of them is my freedom
........and another is my trauma.
Some times freedom is traumatic and trauma makes you free............
or
I ll simply become........
a wave .......a petal........a child.........
and few grains of damp ....earth .
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Maula...............when u get angry( if i were a girl)
in my eyes.....and...... burns my self....
and ur silence is worse..........i just loose my ...self.......in it..
how would it be .......if i hug u ...just when ....u are mad ....
i would come near when u push me.....just .......that far....
I would hold u ............sooooo .....near to my moist heart ......that..u just feel wet
in ur eyes..and i know .......u wont like like it .....
would it be not nice ....if i rip ur shirt off.......and bite ur lips....... soft
u feel.......soft as a leaf.. that has a free fall.........gentle as a whirl wind....
in ur heart that's like molten earth..........the kiss.......leaves a tatoo.....
do u know when u are angry........u're actually acting ....showing off....and look like a great panda from China..........who is about to deliver......twins!! and......like a gorgeous.....hippo about to let out a yawn...........and .....some thing is stuck at its throat !!
its a make believe .......as some say...that shoots of bamboo.......are disappearing ....getting extinct from the face of earth..................and all that crap....
No... don't close ur eyes.......open them .....my... charmer...... of the snake in me....
look at me, look into my eyes .....and feel my breath.........and breath it ....
You breathe me ............and me alone ......
But i like ur anger....its like .....rock and roll.......
...........and u mistake that u are the rock and i am the roll
have u ever wondered .that its could be...
the other way around....
yes ........u......do and
no u dont....
Maula........oh....maula.......
if i were to be asked in a live interveiw, what do i love about u,
I would turn around the chair and resting my arms on the backrest....
I would ask
"to begin with?"......and then say
................................."every thing "
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Maula...............lets make tea ( if i were a girl)
U have to speak....... your words.......
U have to tell about your life ......... in your own way
When I ask u.............I mean u.......your thoughts your feelings .......
but then what can represent the sea better?........... when I asked the sea......
The sea .......pointed its fingers at you and ........disappeared.
But then I am in a way relieved..........
Some where ....... Sometime .......... I ll meet you .
I will carry leaves of tea.............and you ........water..
Let there be fire...........let there be celebration
and then let us hold hands........and walk a few steps on the sands of time .........till
the night ends
till the sun ........... comes over the horizon ........and stretches its limbs.....
I see u ........when u sleep........ like a child .... in my arms......and i too shall close my eyes .......no i dont want ....even to wink my eye lid....and I will feel u.......to the core ....touching ur soul ..and making it alive....and fresh and earthy.
and in the morning ......we shall drink the tea.......made sweet by the rays of moon and .....cold by the separation about to come.....
but ...... who drinks such tea........ has no death ...... no rebirth....and........no...... there IS no seperation....
Mere Maula............ don't u know what lies in my heart?......don't u realize the harm of your silence.
Speak to me..........your words........
Tell me about ...........me....and about you....
then
I too will tell u..........and pour
All my anguish........all my love .......all my passion......and I will melt u....then and there.....and freeze the time ......so the moon remains the moon ....... and the sand ...remains the sand.....and the waves remain there .... watching us..in embrace..
with arms wide open.........
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
oh ........OBAMA !!!
ITS TIME.............
INDIA.............grow up....from denial........to acceptance...
INDIA...........move .......from....exclusion to inclusion.....
Saturday, October 18, 2008
ode to MFO
Friday, October 03, 2008
banjara hills
waves of the unending sea......new job....new places ....
new people.....new curves....and hills....
from malabar
to............ banjara.....me and mine .....travel...the day....and the night
people with fabulous hearts....
warmest hugs...
cute smiles....
touch .....firm and handshakes whispering
will i miss my cute lil creepers ......at the rail road
the silent local......
will it never pick me up....
will i miss the potbelly first class people....
their i pods....mobiles....and news papers..
i dont now...i dont want to know..
like the generational minds.....their understanding of relationships....
the young ...beautifull minds...
clear.....dogmatic...passionate...and confused...and ruthless.....
I stand alone....walk alone......cry alone...make love alone....
and deny my lonelyness
only in these lines.......i surrender ...to the sublime...
to the silence.....and ...feel
that sombody ...some where...is
worth
a cup of Chai!!!!!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Foolosopher in a training session
So much of localization of lives.........life has become one target for intervention ....isnt it?
I like young men and women ....eager....holding breath as the oration continues.........
They want to be seen ...known......hugged......embraced ...loved.....and its seen
in their eyes....brown....black ....and confused...but beautiful........and what beauty?
i cant tell you........or I can ...............gosh I'm so confused..........
but I'm sure ...like my smile .....
that i wont back space....and each felt word is given here ...
As how it is to be given..............
and then there are these young one .....and their lives and our lies.....
its like a cock tail and dream..........
like coughlin's ...laws..
like the rains that come as spasms ,,,,,of laughter.... of cries ......
like the grass...that looks as though ....it hates a lawn mover....
like droplet of newborn dew..............in time and space unknown...
I don't understand all of it ......and all of it need not be understood ....AT ALL.
and there fore stars fore tell my confusion....and
Zoya .........stamps on it and says
Oh yes ....he loves the young ones...
the young ones love him ....
and love is life ....
and life is a sweet confusion........a sweet little lie.....
.
isnt it...?
.
.
it better be ....!!!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
fire wall
but ignorance of the free spirit ...that ...is un manifest and bound.
When the logs of wood ....floating in water meet....they say
Hi......and then smile.......thats all .....nothing more .
It takes appachhan to bring two logs together to make a raft.
How thing s have come to ...... in what way...................life turns around and meets ..
You ....................
from the same place you started...........nothing appears changed but every thing is changed.
You wish .........you have never left the place
in the first place.........
How should i tell you ....what you are to me I ve thought all along.............and now I wonder
Why should I tell you ....at all ..!!!
I know there is no reason for me to wander....and then....there is every reason for me to explore....till I see butterflies ,sparrows and pigeons ...around....
but when there are fire walls......every where....
Lines ...drawn ....in ....thick ...... maroon ink .......i cant run.......i cant walk...
I cant stay........i cant speak........i cant emote...... i cant feel.....
and then i cant breath........................
that,s when people walk out ...............and friends................... don't come in ....
but i dont crib...... about being an explorer.......about being emotive ...about telling people what i feel about the colours of rainbow..........about loving them .....as individuals.....as men ...as women...as animals ...about missing their talks.........their smiles ..............their gentle curves....
and their hatred.......
thats why .....i feel the tears in my eyes....a heaviness in my chest ......when an un known mother beats up her child ......and the child begins to cry..
Thats why i feel every drop of rain ....as though its sent by the gods above ....just for me...
and
Fire walls....!!!! makes people feel they are worth less creatures .....good for nothing ... a virus .....an unwanted malicious soft ware ...thats gonna eat u up...!!!! worse ...............corrupt your operating system.!!!....
I feel that in this short life ............we spend more time building fire walls .......
i feel i need to hear your voice ......
i need to talk ...............
and i need to fight .......
quarrel like small children over the sand castles ......the princess and the prince ... in those fabulous buildings.....
and then.............laugh ...jump.....giggle ..... fill our pockets full of fist full of moist sand.......
for thats all im gonna have ....over me ..... when im gone...
but then when i go up above......I shal be seen as THE strongest and richest guy who ever entered heaven....for he had broken more fire walls while building none...and who had the most pleasant memories ......of a child ......All of them in fact
In tact...
in the nest .........
safe............... . and between the cupped palms of a child's hand
Thursday, June 12, 2008
maaya
Sunday, June 08, 2008
the beauty of not knowing...........Zo
But what is amusing ....is that at each passing moment i feel strongly about these very words that i am confused about.....they don't distress me any more ...to admit....that i don't know ....that i feel....and that i want to know....i just hope that this ......IS...my life...and it WILL remain like that ....be cause its such fun not knowing ......and trying to know.
because it give the life ......so wretched and unbearable....in Bombay........a meaning
because it gives hope...
and its hope ...that leads me ..to Love...
isn't this wonderful?
Zo?
plants... orkids.... nana and the kid
Do kids need a mentor...especially kids who have a traumatic childhood....or kids who are ahead of the time....their time and others..........kids are the manifestations of of the longing ...of the love...of the heart that cares.....of the hand that feeds........
Do you remember me...
As i remember my place in the magnificent cave....and the light .....
I remember it .....always....not even a second is lost without feeling the aroma of the freshness of that place....i breath it from my heart .......thats why i can afford the orchids ...................for you
Will you come running to me as the kid runs and hugs " bhootya" ....the key protagonist in the film.................I would.........................................................................if i see you................................................if ever i saw you
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Monsoon memories
TISS has lot of activity in the bushes,sometimes its the students but most of the creepers that hug them makes the campus heavenly...especially during rains.Its raining now and and i can imagine the transformation in the campus.Though TISS says goodbye to its students every year ,,,many like me can never say it.....or ..would ever say it...some thing like aatmasat has happened to us in this campus.
As i walked down the road just after the library ...i felt a movement around the gutter on the left side.I am very sensitive to such moments especially after seeing a long snake cruise across the basket ball court.People said that there lived a snake family in TISS.some even said that it was a Cobra.when i looked in closely i couldn't find any thing ......but in a fraction i saw a lone pigeon standing just beside the the stones kept at the border of the gutter. Some thing struck me ..about the pigeon..it appeared she was a kid..just learning to fly... she seemed to searching her way back to the nest.....Nothing appeared amiss .i went a step or two further and turned back to observe her ...now i felt her expression changing ...she seemed to be a bit restless....Suddenly about 10 steps to the side i saw a large cat..assuming the hunters position .in a fraction of a sec the cat had her by the neck...and She was gone . ...abruptly....i can never forget my helplessness...lack of initiative ...and fore thought ...like i felt on that moment....it was a moment of paralysis..
On that very day ....while starting from the dining hall there was this question in my mind ....How would i die? will it cause pain..will it be protracted....I jokingly asked my guru whether he knew about it !!!.....and a few steps after i saw the eternal hunter and the hunted drama being enacted in front of my eyes.......a colossal inner voice appeared from no where and said"you will die the pigeons death......swift....sudden.....and complete....the countdown shall start the day you will begin the journey back to your child hood.and the moment you are a child ...you will die...
What remains with me is a count down....every moment appears precious...and every body i meet appears divine.....I live every moment of my life...as though it was the last moment...the very last drop of wine .....drunk with this new found love for life......i dance in rejoice....and say....Zoya ....you are my childhood .the day i become one with you....i am no longer there....but iwoudnt mind it in any way......
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
remembring debu
when i die...
dont cry .....
for i live in ur memories ........
When im gone.....
dont search for me....
for i ll then ...be every where....
inside and out side you.....
When i live ....
all i want is that ....
u fight with me .....
give me a challenge every day...
give me a fight ..that will make my day brighter..
make my eyes swell with tears........for the needy...
make me slog.......and sweat ....for that will make my chai taste sweeter...
hug me ...as though we are for ever one........
and
dont u dare to forget holding my hands ......while crossing the road...
i live....here and now......
in an embrace......
in love
Saturday, May 24, 2008
musings of the SA node
You are ..that one drop of rain...that embraces me ..tearing apart .the mask i wore .....feel me ...like u've never felt me before ...and make a man .....out of me ..out of nothing ...actually..... .............
zoya...............when u smile ....a slender....ray of light ...gently enters the tears of separation ...that i shed ...in love ....in silence ....i have no choice but to be resurrected.....as a ..Rainbow
"rootless" men......have no name ......lives they lead ...is like a seed...seperated from their own....they float in a bliss that the cosmos envies......and Zoya loves...here and now..
in waiting for you zoya i move from thinking to feeling .....talking to silence.....and a certain death...to...life ...waiting is .....in fact ...unmasking the emotions ...of my defiant spirit .in love
i took the river in my palm...........and gave it back.....the moment of rebirth....is always sacred.....reborn in u Zoya .....i am free.
when u sleep ........in my arms.......i am awake ....alive .....i gently stroke your hair ....and touch ur lips....knowing that im there ...u hug me tightly ...in ur sleep....wish i could peep in to ur warm heart ....and make in it ..a home for myself .... Zoya.
the enigma.......of being in love with you ..is ..nothing but a fresh drop of dew...on a rose petal thats just born...its like the aroma of dry and lonely earth receiving the drops of first rain........zoya....
As i went up to the old tamarind tree and embraced it ....and placed my ear on her bosom.........the tree told ...in simple words...i love you......In the unborn twister that my mind was....there was birth of ...Peace ...and Joy .... and.....A story ...that needs to be told..
I dream....of you...of the sea...of the waves...of the sun....of the footprints on the sands.....and live ....dont be afraid of my love Zoya....just fall in it ...and live with me ...for ever and ever...
Some times I wonder .........why do u have to flirt with me ?at all......
How does it matter ? if it is me ....or if it's me not....
Mauna...the silence of Zoya
Friday, May 23, 2008
realisation
Monday, February 11, 2008
u are not there....if u get in here ...u will never be there.....
cry my baby......tears ar always true ..only if u dont feel them.
love ...................decimates every thing ...while constructing and resurrecting the very elements it aims to destroy..........that's ....love
oh my love .....
the condor need not fear ..about flying ...because in the very breath is its liberation ...no body teaches him .....How to fly .he knows......he knows....
where is the Guru ?Who knows ...and Who feels .....for when one knows he feels nothing and is silent.
oh my love ...
the journey is long ...and arduous ...yet short and sweet......it is a journey of not learning what u don't know... ...but one of unlearning..... of what u already know.........loose the craving ...once ....just for once ....and then for ever ...then SHE will hold u'r hand....
jus .....like a child ...