Thursday, June 12, 2008

maaya

When u sleep..........
My world... stands...still...and motion less like the leaves
my mind seizes to think....and begins to feel...and to dream.
I sit beside u and watch u.....
I hold your hands...no...just gently touch them....
it feels warm.
the warmth of your existence...touches me...
my core..........
and permeates......all that is mine....
including the nothingness.....vast...dynamic.......expansive........I know...that I 'm late...
but I am happy that I am here...
just beside you....
my "Zoyaban"

Sunday, June 08, 2008

the beauty of not knowing...........Zo

Kurasawa's throne of blood was good.intense.The use of light and shade is phenomenal.What I like in his movies is the interplay of silence with spoken word and emotions on the faces.I feel silense in the movies offer the viewer a space .A mental space in which he can construct a story .....almost parallel....to whats happening on the screen .A good storyteller always pauses in between ......it gives the child wings to fly and to come back.The space is essential to understand the story..... especially the concepts if they are abstract.Speaking of abstracts ...you know... one of the most sensible questions asked in the last 5years is the question that mangal pandey asks in the movie...he says ...rather asks....."yeh SARKAR hota kya hai?"how many of us in the development sector actually ask this question to ourselves.The whole aspect of government is so clear to us ....like tendulkars cricket.We talk about it so freely ...and comment about it so freely....many of us ... have we touched a leather ball any time ? i dont know.We talk about politicians in the same way...without even contesting a class representative election...never.Not that we need to ..but could we be a lil introspective?the more time i spend in understanding mangal pandey's query,the better i feel i understand the the 'government and the governance'...gosh its so complex.....so tough .....so simple and so easy ....at the same time...some how i feel the same about the phrases"community"......"marginalization"......and "development".May be ill take some time to understand them...

But what is amusing ....is that at each passing moment i feel strongly about these very words that i am confused about.....they don't distress me any more ...to admit....that i don't know ....that i feel....and that i want to know....i just hope that this ......IS...my life...and it WILL remain like that ....be cause its such fun not knowing ......and trying to know.

because it give the life ......so wretched and unbearable....in Bombay........a meaning

because it gives hope...

and its hope ...that leads me ..to Love...

isn't this wonderful?


Zo?

plants... orkids.... nana and the kid

The plants.......my Zoya...breath with their heart and humans through their noses...is that why they bear flowers and we sleep over cots.....Nana patekar's character in a Marathi movie said it now...its a surreal movie.......the chief actor is a child...must see this kids acting its so different.The Marathi accent is fantastic...


Do kids need a mentor...especially kids who have a traumatic childhood....or kids who are ahead of the time....their time and others..........kids are the manifestations of of the longing ...of the love...of the heart that cares.....of the hand that feeds........


Do you remember me...

As i remember my place in the magnificent cave....and the light .....

I remember it .....always....not even a second is lost without feeling the aroma of the freshness of that place....i breath it from my heart .......thats why i can afford the orchids ...................for you


Will you come running to me as the kid runs and hugs " bhootya" ....the key protagonist in the film.................I would.........................................................................if i see you................................................if ever i saw you

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Monsoon memories

It has been nearly two and a half years.I see the calmness in the pigeon's eyes as if she is still there....Some times i get confused .was it calmness ,was it fear....was it nothing at all...But some events and the actors who enact it are simply unforgettable.may be the circumstances in which its enacted is such...powerful.....simple....relevant...
TISS has lot of activity in the bushes,sometimes its the students but most of the creepers that hug them makes the campus heavenly...especially during rains.Its raining now and and i can imagine the transformation in the campus.Though TISS says goodbye to its students every year ,,,many like me can never say it.....or ..would ever say it...some thing like aatmasat has happened to us in this campus.
As i walked down the road just after the library ...i felt a movement around the gutter on the left side.I am very sensitive to such moments especially after seeing a long snake cruise across the basket ball court.People said that there lived a snake family in TISS.some even said that it was a Cobra.when i looked in closely i couldn't find any thing ......but in a fraction i saw a lone pigeon standing just beside the the stones kept at the border of the gutter. Some thing struck me ..about the pigeon..it appeared she was a kid..just learning to fly... she seemed to searching her way back to the nest.....Nothing appeared amiss .i went a step or two further and turned back to observe her ...now i felt her expression changing ...she seemed to be a bit restless....Suddenly about 10 steps to the side i saw a large cat..assuming the hunters position .in a fraction of a sec the cat had her by the neck...and She was gone . ...abruptly....i can never forget my helplessness...lack of initiative ...and fore thought ...like i felt on that moment....it was a moment of paralysis..

On that very day ....while starting from the dining hall there was this question in my mind ....How would i die? will it cause pain..will it be protracted....I jokingly asked my guru whether he knew about it !!!.....and a few steps after i saw the eternal hunter and the hunted drama being enacted in front of my eyes.......a colossal inner voice appeared from no where and said"you will die the pigeons death......swift....sudden.....and complete....the countdown shall start the day you will begin the journey back to your child hood.and the moment you are a child ...you will die...


What remains with me is a count down....every moment appears precious...and every body i meet appears divine.....I live every moment of my life...as though it was the last moment...the very last drop of wine .....drunk with this new found love for life......i dance in rejoice....and say....Zoya ....you are my childhood .the day i become one with you....i am no longer there....but iwoudnt mind it in any way......

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

remembring debu

my beloved Zo
when i die...
dont cry .....
for i live in ur memories ........
When im gone.....
dont search for me....
for i ll then ...be every where....
inside and out side you.....
When i live ....
all i want is that ....
u fight with me .....
give me a challenge every day...
give me a fight ..that will make my day brighter..
make my eyes swell with tears........for the needy...
make me slog.......and sweat ....for that will make my chai taste sweeter...
hug me ...as though we are for ever one........
and
dont u dare to forget holding my hands ......while crossing the road...
i live....here and now......
in an embrace......
in love